Dear Bee,
In response to the last post I wrote about an hour ago, I did end up calling my sponsor, and it went really well. We’re two completely different people, but she knew exactly how I was feeling, and wow…I fully believe strength comes in numbers. I feel so relieved.
One thing that’s really challenging for me to do is be honest. Okay, I’ve come clean about my eating disorder to most people. That’s a huge step, and I’m proud of myself for it. However, I still lie about the dumbest, smallest details.
She asked me what I binged on…and I hesitated. Because, yes, that’s where most of the shame comes from. I hate people knowing how much I eat (or what I eat), because I rarely feel like it’s an acceptable amount…this is why texting her my food has been so eye-opening. I’ve realized that, at the end of the day, it’s JUST FUCKING FOOD…and everyone with an eating disorder has their own weird habits and rigid routines. That’s why we have a disorder to begin with. In other words, perfectly normal in my own abnormal existence.
I told her what I mini-binged on. Yes, I hated doing it. Yes, I was humiliated.
And, yes, I felt much better afterwards.
She also asked me how I felt when I texted her about my eating episode. I admitted my shame and guilt. I told her I felt dumb texting her an hour after I had started enthusiastically working the first step. She explained that digging up my eating disordered past will bring up a lot of repressed feelings and subdued pains…I anticipated that, yes, but you know, it’s always a learning experience. Good thing I love school, right?
Before hanging up, she told me to hug myself. She told me to be proud of myself for reaching out and pinpointing my triggers. She told me to find some affirmations and repeat the serenity prayer (or whatever mantra I like) if needed. I think I’ll just do that.
Back to the positive vibes.
Dear Bee 
I’m glad the call to your sponsor went well.
Often I can’t bear to post on my online food log what I ate, because it’s the same freaking foods over & over. They may not be sugary stuff, but a lot of what numbs me are processed foods. Plus, I don’t want to see how many calories I consumed vs activity. I hate the food shaming i do to myself. On the plus side, tho, I can go back to the archives and revisit good days and remind myself of the steps forward I have taken so far.
I think your readers understand that there will always be setbacks and sometimes we just don t have the strength at the moment to be positive. It’s ok. I dont think it is your job to be a hero here, but there really is strength in numbers, and i am sure you will gain strength from your readers as we do from you and your words. I hope you continue to be as honest & candid with yourself, whether no one reads your blog or whether you gain a big following.
I need to work on my authenticity (self-honesty?) for sure, and it started today with this step: I recorded everything I ate & drank today—no hiding, no omissions.
Be proud of yourself. That’s a great step!!!