4am, and I’m wide awake

Dear Bee,

It’s 4am, and my thoughts are racing. I feel wide awake, and I have spent the past few hours tossing and turning. Sleep usually isn’t a problem for me. I tend to pass out just minutes after hitting the pillow, but I’m assuming that the huge coffee I devoured at 7pm has been keeping me restless and jittery. 

I am feeling anxious right now. Anxious, because I’m going out of town tomorrow for the weekend, and I have so much to do before then, and I’m nervous it won’t get all done. I don’t know why I have these negative thoughts, especially when I know that it will get done. My Type-A persona will make sure of that.

I am going to Vegas (again) this weekend to celebrate the beginning of summer and my birthday. I am really excited, and I want to hold onto that feeling. Earlier this week, I was experiencing some doubt, namely because I felt so insecure in my body. I am traveling with a gorgeous group of friends. And I’m not just saying that because they are my friends. They are seriously beautiful. And most of them are tiny! I know that I am either going to be in a bikini or a club dress the majority of the time I”m out there, and so, I just have to be accepting of my body for the beautiful and unique one that it is. Easier said than done, sure, but I also know that if I go in with a positive mindset, my subsequent reality will be positive as well. 

I have a therapy session this afternoon too, and I feel anxious about that as well. I have so much to discuss right now, but occasionally when that happens, the content goes in a completely different direction that I intended. Obviously, we can’t focus on everything. Sometimes, I just believe I have hours worth of content squeezed into those sixty minutes, and I feel deprived that I don’t get to explore all of it. But, I know that I’m going to feel much better afterwards. I  think I’m going to stay in therapy long-term, as I consider it a significant investment towards bettering my mental health and overall well-being. I consider it part of my self-care package. Besides, when I start working with clients, I will probably find myself needing it.

4:19am. Feeling somewhat tired, but my mind is still racing. I’ve already practiced deep breathing, counting sheep, and masturbating (TMI, too bad?), but to no avail. 

it’s okay. I am still riding off my gratitude high from earlier. I feel so blessed for all that I have gained this year. Compared to my last birthday, I am a completely different person. My mindset, my goals, my way of thinking towards myself, others, and the world around me. I have encountered difficult pain, but i have grown. I have hurt, but I have preserved. I have taken insane risks, but I have learned how to accept and embrace the changes. 

I often become caught up in the futuristic, end-point destination and dismiss the day-by-day progress and the tiny breakthrough moments. I seek instant results. I want absolute freedom from my eating disorder. I become impatient with the tedious process of taking it one meal, one day, one choice at a time. Knowing I may have to do something for life overwhelms me. And, when I slip, I feel like it’s impossible. Like I’m never going to get better. Like I’m making no progress. All of that is false, and I know that. My attitude, behaviors, and thoughts about my eating disorder are changing on a daily basis.

As stated in a previous post, my wish for myself is to cherish and live in the present moment. To acquire mindfulness. To counteract my ego and just ride on the tidal wave that is life. 

For today, I am going to give myself the gift of enjoying each breath and moment in time for what it is: an irreplaceable, once-in-a-lifetime one. 

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One thought on “4am, and I’m wide awake

  1. You should be so proud of being able to engage in positive focus at 4am – middle of the night is my demon time, when nothing is right and nothing is possible. To be able to recall your gratitude is such an indicator of where you have come to be.

    Also, I can relate to the therapy comments. Sometimes I feel so scattered when I go in and I can’t imagine how I will even make sense. Yet, by the time I leave, I feel like a calmer, more centred and happier version of me. That’s what I hope to one day give to my clients.

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