**I wrote the following in my journal this morning. I just sent it to my fiancé and we are processing it now. Scary and painful, but this is life in recovery.
I binged last night. I ate 3 packages of Pop-Tarts, and I lied to _____ about it. That’s what hurts the most, knowing that I lied especially when we always promise brutal honesty. I just get so ashamed and feel humiliated and hypocritical, and I don’t know why I struggle with telling the love of my life, my fiancé, my everything, the truth when I know with 100% certainty he won’t judge or mock me. I just want him proud and to love me– and to not doubt my health or my recovery or my loyalty. I forget how easy it is to lie, and I’m scared of losing his trust if I continue with it. Even now, I’m scared because I’m gonna fess up, but I fear he will be angry or upset or most of all, disappointed, and that is frightening. I know I’m smart, so I’m trying not to hide behind intellect here. Working with the addicts has taught me that lying only isolates you from your loved ones, and I swear I can’t and won’t jeopardize our relationship and, soon to be, marriage.
I guess this just feels different from other times because I went the night without fessing up. I felt too scared– scared he’ll want me to quit my job, scared he’d want me to get help- ultimately scared of his rejection.
This is old behavior, sneaky stuff I got away with in my old relationship, with my parents, therapists & doctors, but I refuse to do it with him. I love him too much. And I refuse to do this shit to myself…so I’m gonna show him this now.