Tonight marks the beginning of my intuitive eating, radical acceptance journey. I must try something different. It scares me. I won’t lie- I like the structure and order and control, but I won’t let fear stop me. My way of living was also done out of fear, and it’s only giving me a half-assed recovery.
Tonight, I ate a grilled cheese sandwich because I wanted one. I felt guilty for spending the money. $7.29 for a sandwich! I felt guilty that I didn’t wait for _______ to eat with me.
And yet, I allowed myself to enjoy the food, warm and gooey, comforting, what I needed.
I left some on the plate- the crusts, mostly, after I felt full.
I guess it scares me because I’ve never really done it. I’ve pretended to have done it, but I’m only kidding myself. There were always food rules and regulations- good foods and bad foods- limitations and restrictions. I’ve never been in a position where I could just go to a restaurant and order whatever I wanted, without qualms or hesitation, and enjoy it. I’ve never been in a position where I can wander down the grocery store aisles and purchase whatever snacks or foods I want, knowing that it won’t be risky, knowing that it won’t send me into a binge tailspin either.
In fact, I still have a lot of fear foods. I still have a lot of food I’ll rarely eat unless I’m bingeing and/or in some kind of controlled environment. There are many foods I won’t have in the house. There are many foods I’ve given a self-fulfilling prophecy to- the “I can’t just have one- I’ll eat the whole thing till it’s done” mantra.
So, this is scary. This is scary because, of course, what if I lose control? What if I gain a bunch of weight? What if I eat junk food all day long? What if I waste a bunch of money just to satisfy a selfish craving? What if I’m just acting privileged and entitled, and what if, I still don’t actually get better?
So, I know intuitive eating is actually the relinquishing of control, and I know I won’t gain weight, and I know I’ll be listening to my body, and I know this is the natural way to do things. That’s why I’m challenging myself to this. At least until the New Year, and so that’s 21 days. Because in the past, it’s only been a day or a week, and that isn’t really long enough to monitor progress. I’ve thrown my hands up in the air, terrified by all the options, and have retreated to the safe routine that I know.
But I need to trust my body to be in the driver’s seat. Because when it’s not, my eating disorder is. And my body is basically in the trunk of the car, locked inside, getting whipped around, without much of a direction as to where it’s headed.
I will document it all on here, only because it’s safe, and because I type so much faster than I write.
I really don’t know what to expect of it. I intend lots of mixed emotions- some relief and liberation coupled with anxiety and fear. I intend ups and downs. I intend mistakes, but I promise, I swear to myself, that I will keep at it. I need to do something different. I deserve to do something different.
I think the very fact that it scares me so much shows how much distortion I still hold onto- distortion about my body changing, distortion about good foods and bad foods, distortion about control. These need to be dismantled, challenged. They aren’t helpful. They are sick, I know that. And yet, sick can be comforting. At least it has been for me.
Here’s to distortion, though. Here’s to more change.