My fiance was rear-ended on his way to work in Los Angeles yesterday. I’ve been shaken up because car accidents and loved ones getting hurt and/or dying are two existential fears that I’ve always had. I’ve been in plenty of accidents- never my fault- which makes it hard for me to trust the road and the other drivers out there.
Thankfully, everyone is okay and the car sustained just a few paint scratches. Nevertheless, this shit is terrifying. The fact that anything can happen at any given moment- it’s insane.
I’ve been trying to be kinder to myself over the past few days. Eating mindfully and intuitively- as best I can anyway- not weighing myself, wearing clothes that make me feel beautiful.
Reflection has been important and listening to myself has been a challenge. I forget how regimented I am into routine, into eating certain foods with certain proportions at certain times. It’s scary to let go of that. I haven’t plunged into it, but I’m sticking my feet in the water, feeling out the temperature.
I’ve had to look at the fear of getting fat. Because if we’re being honest, that’s the underlying scare. Because I have rooted so many messages about being fat- failure, grotesque, unlovable- because I live in a society that is harsh and demeaning towards fat, because I know that I carry privilege with the weight I have, and I can’t imagine anything different.
I am ashamed of this fear because it seems shallow and petty. In a world full of strife and destruction, weight is so external and so trivial–and yet, it’s a point of obsession and fixation for so many of us. It’s the thing we can control; it’s malleable, in our hands, in our power. And with anxiety, we all want something to control.
Weight is just a shell, though- it doesn’t define who you are as a person, and we cannot use it as a barometer for happiness, success, or love. This is a work in a progress for me. I still judge weight. I still feel superior when I am small, just as I feel inferior when someone is smaller than me.
I can grow, though, and I will continue to fight on.