I’m more comfortable being a therapist than I am being a client, and when I say that, I mean that it’s far easier for me to get to know someone than it is for someone to know me.
There are so many layers of myself hidden from the outside world. A combination of shame, embarrassment, and general shyness shield me.
I felt very aware of this phenomenon at a work holiday party last night. I’ve been in my new therapist position for a few weeks now. I love basically everything about it. My own office, my own caseload of clients, very little busywork/paperwork, awesome salary, and supportive team of coworkers. The treatment team is strong here, much stronger than at other settings I’ve worked at. Most everyone is working some sort of addiction recovery program.
And, yet, it’s interesting how easy it is to feel like the awkward and insecure seventh-grader at a high school party, though, and that’s very much how I felt last night. Like everyone else knows each other, like everyone else is so happy and together, like everyone else belongs. It’s almost worse because everyone is so nice! So warm and welcoming! And yet, the introversion emerges. The world has never been very kind to introverts. We are the quiet souls, the background watchers, the ones whom everyone else is trying to pep, talk, and rouse. Most people don’t know I’m introverted, but that’s because I’m excellent with small talk, and I’m very comfortable around people I know. In reality, I’m as shy as a mouse around people I “sorta, but don’t really, know.”
So much of this has to due with the fact that I’ve been with this organization for less than a month, and I need to give myself a break. I’m a kind and smart person, and nobody was sitting there thinking I was boring or weird, even if I was. Nobody could possibly care that much.
Eating has been good these days. Normal. Not as intuitive as I guess it can be, but it’s normal. Not overeating or undereating. Exercise is normal. I’m getting stronger, and it feels good. I’m spending more time on my hair and makeup and getting ready in the morning, and that also makes me feel good.
I meant to write more, but I have a bunch to do now. To be updated later.