With an eating disorder, every meal can feel like your first or last and every thought of food can trigger anxiety, depression, preoccupation, and fear. Every restriction can feel like a bloodcurdling fast and every binge can feel like a body slam against the infamous “rock bottom.”
My disordered thoughts and behaviors began about seven years ago. Everyday, I choose recovery by means of various support systems and my own coping strategies.
Who is Bee?
Bee is the nickname I coined for my eating disorder. Bee is the mind chatter and negative self-talk, the inappropriate coping mechanisms, the endless stream of guilt and self-blame. Bee is rigid and aggressive, but Bee can also be extremely coercive and gentle. She rocked my world for a very long time. Her voice was the only voice I trusted.
I am finally turning my back on Bee, finally walking away from the volatile toxicity that embodied our relationship.
This blog captures the authentic collection of my letters to Bee.
My writings are for anyone who understands the disturbing, isolating pathology associated with deeply-rooted shame and humiliation, anyone who has felt those terrible “out-of-control” feelings, anyone who lives in the all-or-nothing, skinny-or-fat, good-or-bad extremities, anyone who rationalizing a stomach screaming for food, anyone who has cried over a full stomach, while feeling unable to stop stuffing themselves with heaping plates of food, anyone who has jumped on the scale every hour just to watch the number inch up or down, anyone who has exercised beyond the point of physical exhaustion, anyone who has insisted they will get better “tomorrow,” and anyone who wonders if he or she will ever be “normal.”
Most of all, these writings are for anyone who feels alone in this lonely battle.
Contact me: firstname.lastname@example.org. I ALWAYS respond. I know how necessary support is for recovery!
The only one who wants to keep you isolated is your eating disorder.
Disclaimer: Please be aware that the content throughout this blog may be triggering or upsetting. Read at your own discretion. I keep my identity anonymous. Real names are not used. I do not condone any “pro-ana,” “pro-mia,” “thinspo,” or any other pro-eating disorder behavior. I RARELY (but occasionally) use specifics when writing (example: calorie counts, my weight, food logs) because I do not find these helpful or constructive, and I feel that they only increase competitiveness and comparison among the eating disorder community. Please be mindful that this blog captures the journey about my recovery process; therefore, there will be some “difficult parts” to read. Be aware that this does not mean I am “failing” in recovery or “in relapse.” So long as I keep choosing recovery, I will chose to capture it here.