Who is Bee?

With an eating disorder, every meal can feel like your first or last and every thought of food can trigger anxiety, depression, preoccupation, and fear. Every restriction can feel like a bloodcurdling fast and every binge can feel like a body slam against the infamous “rock bottom.”

My disordered thoughts and behaviors began about seven years ago. Everyday, I choose recovery by means of various support systems and my own coping strategies.

Who is Bee?

Bee is the nickname I coined for my eating disorder. Bee is the mind chatter and negative self-talk, the inappropriate coping mechanisms, the endless stream of guilt and self-blame. Bee is rigid and aggressive, but Bee can also be extremely coercive and gentle. She rocked my world for a very long time. Her voice was the only voice I trusted.

I am finally turning my back on Bee, finally walking away from the volatile toxicity that embodied our relationship.

This blog captures the authentic collection of my letters to Bee. 

My writings are for anyone who understands the disturbing, isolating pathology associated with deeply-rooted shame and humiliation, anyone who has felt those terrible “out-of-control” feelings, anyone who lives in the all-or-nothing, skinny-or-fat, good-or-bad extremities, anyone who rationalizing a stomach screaming for food, anyone who has cried over a full stomach, while feeling unable to stop stuffing themselves with heaping plates of food, anyone who has jumped on the scale every hour just to watch the number inch up or down, anyone who has exercised beyond the point of physical exhaustion, anyone who has insisted they will get better “tomorrow,” and anyone who wonders if he or she will ever be “normal.”

Most of all, these writings are for anyone who feels alone in this lonely battle.

Contact me: loveletterstobee@gmail.com. I ALWAYS respond. I know how necessary support is for recovery!

The only one who wants to keep you isolated is your eating disorder.

Disclaimer: Please be aware that the content throughout this blog may be triggering or upsetting. Read at your own discretion. I keep my identity anonymous. Real names are not used. I do not condone any “pro-ana,” “pro-mia,” “thinspo,” or any other pro-eating disorder behavior. I RARELY (but occasionally) use specifics when writing (example: calorie counts, my weight, food logs) because I do not find these helpful or constructive, and I feel that they only increase competitiveness and comparison among the eating disorder community. Please be mindful that this blog captures the journey about my recovery process; therefore, there will be some “difficult parts” to read. Be aware that this does not mean I am “failing” in recovery or “in relapse.” So long as I keep choosing recovery, I will chose to capture it here.

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12 thoughts on “Who is Bee?

  1. April says:

    Just want to say that your blog is amazing. You articulate so well everything I have ever felt. Thank you for putting pen to paper, and especially for shining the light on this disorder, bringing it out into the open and making it easier for us to explain to our loved ones who don’t understand us.

  2. Girl in the House says:

    Hey. Thanks for following me. I am also trying to recover from an eating disorder and it is great to see a positive blog. 🙂 hope to hear from you again sometime! x

  3. This is a really amazing thing your doing, you might not know how many people you are providing support for and I think you’re doing it in the healthiest of ways.

    So pleased to have come across this 🙂

  4. madisonmckay says:

    Your blog is lovely. Thank you for sharing your story with others, I truly believe that it is offering people support that they can’t seem to find anywhere else. best of luck, xoxo

  5. Hi
    I am 18, 5ft 10, 48.4kg BMI 15.2

    I am recovering from anorexia and compulsive exercise.
    I eat 2500 calories a day and have gained 3 pound in 6 days !!! And it scares me as I do 2 hours walking and housework ontop.

    I am really wanting to get better now and I don’t know how to stop exercising ????
    Please help me ???????

    I was just wondering should I up this MP and stop exercising ?

    B: 2 x wheetabix with low fat yogurt on top

    L: 2x bread with filling, pack fruit, pack crisps, 10cal jelly , low fat yogurt, pack iced gems 99 cal and 2 chocolates

    D: main meal = 720 cal

    S: chocolate bar, pack fruit, low fat yogurt, 10 cal jelly, 5 toffees , low fat ice cream

    Total = 2500

    Thanks xx

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