15 minutes of gibberish.

15 minute free write. No edits. No looking back. Just me, the spare time, and the publish post button.

Some insight I learned about myself today:

-I still don’t take criticism and feedback nearly as well as I would like to. Even though I can be very harsh on myself, I don’t like when others point out my flaws (it’s like, I’d rather them be hidden than be transparent and exposed to everyone else!). I imagine this comes from a place of really, deeply wanting to be liked by others: when I receive criticism, I assume it’s because people dislike me (even when the criticism is constructive). I must be mindful that I am not Perfect. Perfect is a nonexistence.

-I cannot be present all the time, either. I’ve learned how to be in the here-and-now more than I have ever been before, and I am grateful that I can appreciate the beauty that is just LIVING. However, it’s unrealistic to expect myself to be in a meditative trance as I move through life. I cannot be 100% of anything. I am doing my best, and that’s all I need to ask of myself.

-I can actually get ready really quickly when I oversleep.

-Externalizing the negative self-talk is effective for so many people. I was talking about this with a client today. Give the distorted thoughts a NAME. Challenge them. Fight them. Do whatever you have to do to recognize that disorder’s voice is NOT yours. It may be a part of you, sure, but it isn’t you. You have the power to rationalize, reason, and get dirty with it. 

-I am more existential than most people- I think about issues and the universe in ways that others find obscure or even neurotic. I actually can really embrace this part of myself now. My boyfriend and I can shoot the shit on philosophy and existentialism and the intricacy of human conditions for hours on end. We teach other and learn through each other and spew ideas off each other. It makes me feel validated and grounded. The universe is vast. We are specs. Mere, fucking specs. Just floating around in this colossal space. 

-There is no real definition for failure. There is also no real definition for success. What may be a perceived failure for one person may be a success for another. You can only REALLY be a failure when YOU decide you are a failure. The same is true for being a success. My therapist once told me, maybe it’s not failure you fear. Maybe it’s success. This has long stuck with me. Failure is predictable and keeps us constricted, timid, and apprehensive. Failure, in a sense, keeps us safe and boxed. But success? Success means the sky is the limit. Success means breaking barriers we thought were unbreakable. Success opens the door for all kinds of impossible opportunities, for experience we never thought could be ours. That is much more wild. Failure is something we all know…most of us can pinpoint a self-defined failure. But success? Real success? The act of succeeding remains with us far less than the act of failing.

-I am running out of things to write. Has it been 15 minutes yet?

-J/K. Like I could EVER run out of things to write!

-How do people find this blog? Google? Other blogs? I haven’t even been reading other people’s blogs lately. I haven’t been subscribing to anything…but I’m so glad I still have my loyal fan base and following on here. You guys keep me inspired and lifted and positive and hopeful! I feel honored to be able to express myself to such a wide audience of anonymous, beautiful souls.

-This is turning into such a list….la dee dah. I’m tired. 12-hour days can be brutal. Ready for sleep! 

-How would I live without the construct of time? Seriously, WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT A CLOCK? How differently would I live? Would I be more in touch with my intuition? With the natural lightness and darkness of the day? With the motions of the weather? How would that look? It would be a great experiment. The only time I get close to that is when I am camping or out in nature…but even then, someone ALWAYS has the time, it seems. We need time for structure- we need time to feel safe.

-Speaking of time, I’m done writing this. Technically, I wanted to write for another two and a half minutes…but, my intuition is telling me this post is over.