one of those days

Dear Bee,

I woke up to find out that my car, which had been parked in front of my house, was hit on the front bumper. Last year, my previous car (which had been parked in the exact same spot), was completely totaled when someone crashed into it. Luckily, nobody was hurt and my neighbor caught the license plate number of the driver who scratched me. Three accidents in three years, none of which were my fault. It’s no wonder I have a difficulty trusting drivers. My car will be in the shop for a few days. Could be worse. Significantly worse.

Sessions were tough today. It was the first time I really questioned my competency in this field. One of my clients is becoming far too dependent on me, and I need to figure out exactly how I’m supposed to navigate his lack of support system. I remember when I felt like my therapist was also the first person who came to mind when something happened. When I would count down the days, even the hours, until I got to sit on her inviting couch. I understand where he is coming from. Entirely. He’s never received the kind of unconditional positive regard that I can provide him. He’s never had someone believe in him, and I absolutely do. But, fostering his dependency would be unethical and possibly detrimental to his own growth.

And my couple…well, they just come packed with issues, and it’s overwhelming to know even where to begin with them talking over each other, speaking with total disrespect, acting as if there is no love left. It’s hard to spin the magic in just fifty minute hours, especially when habits have been formed over the span of several years.

I love what I do, but I can sense my perfectionism coming into play here! I just have to remind myself that my clients own their lives, just as I own mine!!

And the good news is, I am automatically taking care of myself. I came home after leaving the agency and watched American Horror Story (yes, LOVE) and relaxed. Then, I called my boyfriend and spoke to him. Now, I’m in bed. Before, I would have probably gone straight to the food, knee-deep in chocolate, doing anything I could to numb out the pain and discount the stress.

I know that my feelings are real, but some of my thoughts need to be challenged. I am NOT incompetent and I AM doing my best. That’s all I would ask of my clients, and so, that’s all I can ask of myself.

So, peace. 

 

 

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Life Musings

Dear Bee,

Yesterday, I received my first I love you from a client. This certainly is a complex job. I understand my client’s transference; I understand his need to express these powerful emotions. I’ve had the same overwhelming feelings towards my own therapist. Unlike him, however, I would never have mustered the courage to actually tell her that I love her deeply. Because, I know rationally, it’s not love. It’s more of the gratitude for her unconditional support and guidance. It’s a displacement of my admiration. I know it’s not love, because love, to me, is mutual. Our time together is 95% about me, maybe 5% about her.

Speaking of which, I just saw this couple, and I don’t know whether or not they will make it. The clinician in me has hope and faith, but the realistic person in me is absolutely apprehensive about the state of their communication and affection. Therapists have opinions, too. We’ll never be a blank slate, and it would be boring and inhumane if we were.

I’ve been so busy and time just keeps speeding. How is it seriously November? This just blows my mind. I just enrolled for my last full semester of graduate school. Hard to believe that, at this time next year, I will have my Masters degree. I won’t be licensed yet, but I will be well on my way. Life just moves.Every freaking, blinking minute. Flesh out every experience while you can. You never know when you’ll have that chance again.

My recovery train has been a joyful ride this week. This weekend brings up a few parties, but you know what, parties are about surrounding oneself with love, positive energy, and good people. Food is just the sustenance. I’m lucky to have so many incredible people in my life. Loneliness is the downfall of humanity, I really believe so. Yes, at the end of the day, we need to know how to rely and count on ourselves. But, I cannot undermine the power of support. Leaning on others is so uplifting. I know that when I withdraw, it’s a sign. A sign of diminished vitality and compromised confidence. Nobody is weak to ask to borrow strength. And everybody deserves the chance to heal. No matter who, when, where, how. The individual details do not matter. The circumstances do not matter.

I am sending positive vibes and love to anyone reading this (that means you!). Seize your day. You’ll never get this one again. You’ll never be as young as you are right now. What are you going to do about it?

 

Guess who had her first client today!?! :)

So anyone who reads this (and really, anyone who’s anyone should be reading my alternating sagas of eating disorder recovery, anxiety, graduate school, therapy, nudity, and contemplations on the meaning of life) knows that I’m studying to be a therapist. The past year was foundation work. All classes, consultations, demonstrations, and role-play interventions. A thousand textbook readings and papers. Almost fifty personal psychotherapy sessions. 

WELL…drumroll please…

I had my first client EVER today. Real session. Fifty minutes. One-on-one.

It went so well. OMG. We totally connected, and it was magical and beautiful, and I already have a million ideas spinning in my head for how I want to address her issues, work through them, and develop some strategies for healing. Ah yes. I’m flying. My supervisor and peers were extremely impressed with my compassion and ability to sit with her feelings and provide empathy. Even the obligatory constructive criticism was scarce.

STOKED. Fresh-faced novelty at its finest. 

This is what I’m meant to do GUYYYYYS. I have been on this euphoric high all evening.

It feels so great to be following my passion and, in turn, help others with my knowledge, intuition, and support. I have thousands of clinical hours to complete, another year of graduate school to finish, endless hours of supervision, research, treatment plans, and presentations to create…but MOMENTS like this, SESSIONS like those, and INTERACTION like that make it all worth it. This is my DREAM. This is where I SHINE!

I have a couple more clients that I am meeting for the first time this week, and, as you can probably tell, I’m overjoyed. 

AHHHHHHH ❤

I love me some mother fucking therapy. 

 

annnnnnnd now i’m a therapist

Dear Bee,

I have clients. I have a caseload. Real people with real names and real issues and real diagnoses and real personalities. I already called them all, left messages, and am waiting to schedule our first sessions together. I’ve read their case histories and bios. I know them on paper, but words on paper tell us so little about someone. I need to know those people, see and interact with them, listen to their struggles, grow with them. These people are not just names or diagnoses or presented problems. They are people living lives and have things they want or need to change. 

It’s surreal. People are going to be coming to me, ME, for guidance and facilitation- for remedy and relief. People are going to be coming to me for answers that I may not be able to give and problems I may not be able to fix. 

I’ve done so much work and training and self-discovery for this moment. This is my dream, and it’s coming true. It’s going to be hard, yes. I was able to select some of my clients, and I know a few of them will be challenging and push me beyond my comfort zone, but that is okay. I am a sponge, ready to absorb, learn, and grow. 

I am a little nervous and very excited. I know I cannot change people more than they can change themselves, but I do know I can sit, guide, facilitate, and aid people in their own processes towards self-healing and overall life improvement. I may be young, but I am intuitive, and I am motivated and driven. I love therapy for what it has given me, and I hope to provide others with the same rewarding effects. If I don’t, I can’t take it personally. I can’t save everyone. I’m not perfect. 

My greatest gift in recovery was learning how to be my own best friend and take care of myself. My second greatest gift was learning how to trust the universe and take in the present moment. My third greatest gift will be learning how to teach those skills to others. 

 

Have a stunning Wednesday, and for today, be your own BFF. YOU deserve it! ❤