Finally, a week has passed without any eating disorder behaviors. This used to be an insignificant milestone for me. MONTHS was how I tracked it. Lately, however, it has been more of a battle, and, so I’ll take the small victory. Because I’m being kind to myself 🙂
Six months of being a training therapist. Nearly 250 therapy sessions and groups. Kids as young as 4 and adults as old as 70. Couples on the brink of divorce. Recovering addicts. Personality disorders. Abuse of every kind. Physical disabilities. People all over the sexuality spectrum. Anxiety, depression, fetishes. Existential concerns. Suicidal thoughts and plans. Religion. Teenage drama and breakups. Cutting and drinking and drugs and sex and eating and withdrawing from the world. Shame, hope, frustration, tears, letters, therapeutic rapport, interpretations, expression, and, finally, some healing.
Every dialogue, every client teaches me something new. I love it all.
Life just moves differently now. More meaning. More purpose. More intuition.
Someone told me that the other day, One of your greatest assets is your intuition. He was referring to my clinical intuition with clients (using my “gut instinct” to respond and interact with clients in a natural way), but that cannot be possibly limited to a therapy room. My intuition is beautiful. It guides me. It loves me. It keeps me safe. All I need to do is listen to it!
I spend a lot of time thinking about the power of intuition over the power of compulsion. So much of what we do is engrained into us. It is our habitual thinking. We roam on autopilot. But to use intuition, to channel the inner voice, that’s where the healing begins. That’s where the individuality and uniqueness of human creation flows. That’s the stuff that defines WHO YOU ARE, rather than just WHAT YOU DO. It’s not easy: our intuition may move us directions opposite from the ways we are used to moving, but ultimately, it is so rewarding. Our bodies and souls are so smart…if and when we choose to channel them.
Once upon a time, I wanted to change the world. Interesting how that component never actually included myself. I didn’t want to look inwards. I wanted to focus on everyone else, on anything other than my own internal chaos.
Today, my needs come first. I am my best friend. I expect NOBODY to put ME first, whereas before, I was disheartened when I was anything BUT first. My shift in thinking has allowed me to lessen on the perfectionism, embrace my unique flaws, and reach a happier place of self-acceptance. Sometimes, I’ll use scaling questions to ask my clients where their confidence/happiness/fear/etc. (concern of the day) lies on a scale from 1-10. And then I’ll ask them, where do you want to be? What do you have to do to get there? What does being (this number) look like?
Today, my self-love is at a 7. It’s not a 10, but that’s okay. A 7 means I am happy with myself; a 7 means that I appreciate my body; a 7 means that I feel grateful and loved. A 7, indeed, is a lovely number to be.
What’s your number today?