Your voice is so loud right now. I swear. I’m TRYING to do all that I can to tune you out, but it’s hard. It’s so hard. You have an annoying voice right now; one that’s as demanding as it is seductive. You’re beating me up, and I’m letting it happen. I just stared in the mirror and you picked at EVERY flaw. And I believed you! You’re telling me I don’t have to fight you. You want to take the pain and sadness away. You want to remove the edge. You promise to remove the anxiety and fear. I can just jump on over to your bandwagon, because you’re going to take care of me. And we can start over recovery tomorrow.
I know why I’m triggered. Over the past few days, my food has been “messy,” and that makes me anxious, because I like it “perfect.” I am procrastinating some work that i have to do. I am feeling insecure with my body. I have some anxiety about the future.
I just have to remember:
You are distortion. You are the collection of my negative self-talk and nothing else.
The growth emerges from the pain.
Everything in recovery is practice for “tests” like this one. I am prepared. I have studied. I know what to do. I don’t have to run away just because I have test anxiety.
And when all else fails, I just have to show up and “act as if.”
The freedom comes from learning to be comfortable with the uncomfortable.
The feelings WILL pass. The urges WILL pass.
I am allowed to feel, and I’m allowed to think, but it’s what I DO that matters right now.
So, yeah. That’s where we’re at right now. I recognize you are absolutely appealing to me right now. Compared to the “recovery” side, the grass looks far greener with you. But I know that’s an illusion. You are comfort. You are familiarity. You are temporary escape. I know you are able to paint whatever picture I may need at a given moment, whereas I only have a fuzzy picture of what recovery looks like.
You are tempting, yes, but you are also desperate.
I know EXACTLY how I will feel if I walk over to you.
Two can play this game, but only one will win, and this time, it’s going to be me.
Onto the positive coping skills…hopefully these go well.