New Year brings….

…..Absolutely NOTHING!

I’m not making any New Year’s resolutions this time around (although I recognize this is somewhat of a paradox simply because deciding not to do something is a resolution in it of itself).

Here’s why.

I’ve spent the majority of my cognitive existence focusing on what I should improve, should change, and should do differently. Most of these grandiose goals were inspired by YOU: lose ten pounds, stop eating all junk food, exercise an hour a day everyday, never binge again, etc. etc. The New Year offered me a blank slate to achieve whatever I had somehow failed to achieve prior to that magical January 1st. And, somehow, at the stroke of midnight, my old habits would dissipate to make room for the NEW AND IMPROVED ME!

I was tempted to make another resolution. In fact, I played around with ideas all week. I even recapped the dialogue.

You: Girlfriend, you’ve been eating shit all week. Actually, no, all month. You’re repulsive. You’re going to gain so much weight. You need to get a hold of yourself, and now is the perfect time to do that.

Me: You’re right, Bee. I’ve been overindulging so much and have hardly kept up with strict exercise. I don’t want to get fat. I’m going to listen to you. When I don’t, I lose control and eat the world.

You: Exactly, sister! You know I’m just trying to help you. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be healthier. I don’t want you to end up with health problems or sickness. That’s not eating disordered. That’s common sense. That’s taking care of your well-being.

Me: I don’t want to be sick either. But, I am worried about anything that feels restrictive or rigid. It always seems to backfire. Balance works better for me.

You: That’s just you being lazy. You’re going to end up bingeing on everything. You need more control, not less of it.

Me: I’m not lazy, and control is just an illusion.

You: You can’t hide from me. You know that.

Me: Maybe not, but I can run as far away as I can.

I’m tired of focusing on what needs to be better. There is NOTHING wrong with me. I am good enough exactly as I am. I am a wonderful person. It took a lot of therapy, support groups, writing, healing, working as a therapist and preaching this message to others, and falling in love with someone very important to me to realize that. It’s simple, yes, but powerful.

This week was emotionally intense. Someone I deeply loved died. I went on a wonderful vacation with my boyfriend to visit family. Everyday, we walked, meditated, made love, and talked, laughed, cried, and became even closer (still not sure how that’s possible, but with love, anything is possible). He’s unconditionally there for me, and it makes me want to be unconditionally there for myself. We actually spent three hours talking about this blog on the plane yesterday. Just because he wanted to know more about it, just because he wants me to know he’s always there. It’s truly a gift. I take none of it for granted. 

I could focus on the food I ate this week, but that would make me feel disappointed and upset. There was a lot of so-called junk food: eating out in fancy restaurants that the two of us could never afford at almost every meal, an abundance of desserts and treats, food I rarely get to eat. There was a lot of indulgence. There was a lot of temptation to either eat none of it or all of it. I practiced moderation as best I could. Sometimes, I leaned more towards the restricting side, and other times, I leaned more towards the bingeing side. Vacations have always been difficult for me, but I am not aiming for perfection.

It’s a New Year. Here’s to celebrating more flaws, mistakes, and lessons learned. Because, ultimately, without that experience, what could I possibly gain? Here’s to loving myself exactly for who I was, am, and will be. Here’s to avoiding a ridiculous workout or diet plan or beating myself up over not being good enough in this or that. Here’s to acceptance: raw and radical acceptance. And that’s better than any half-assed resolution could ever be.

 

A year from now, you may be wishing you had started today

Dear Bee,

New year and new beginnings.  I heard a great quote this morning, “A year from now, you may be wishing you had started today.”

This resonated with me, because we often miserably FAIL at living in the present moment. Call it a coping mechanism, but the very act of “just being” without worrying about what occurred behind or what lies ahead can be difficult. And so, what do we have? Half-filled lists with bucket list dreams, resolutions, and empty promises.

When I first realized that I barely ever existed in the present moment, because I had no idea how to sit with my own feelings, it both shocked and angered me. What do you mean? I don’t know how I feel? I’m a sensitive person! Of course, I’m in touch with my emotions! I was confused by this accusation and determined to prove the person who told me it wrong. 

But, I couldn’t.

Instead of appropriately manage stress or anxiety, I turned to disordered eating patterns. Instead of believing someone may not have liked me simply because HE OR SHE just did not like me, I blamed my inadequate body. Even when “everything was falling into place” in my life, I did not allow myself to feel worthy enough to deserve the happiness and gratification. Extreme emotions, on either end of the spectrum, scared me. Eating centralized them; it numbed the internal chatter, blurred my external surroundings, dulled my sensations. 

You helped me escape from the real world. This is why people have compulsive behavior; this is why addiction, of any kind, can be such a potent, life-threatening disorder. Once we spend too much time detached from reality, the problems simply accumulate and filter into other aspects of life, such as  relationships, career, health, and safety. Eventually, the cravings become intolerable and the chase and urge for the next “high” becomes overwhelming.

I have always shouldered everyone else’s pain and issues, most likely as a coping strategy to avoid working through my own. At the time, this worked beautifully. When people seemed “worse off” than me, I felt validated in the sense that, hey, I’m not that bad off, after all and when people seemed “better off” than me, I felt relieved that they still valued my opinion enough to ask for my help.

 In hindsight, this is probably explains my work history in multiple people-centered positions, psychology background, and career aspirations to be a therapist. Luckily, I now recognize that I need to address my own vulnerabilities, fears, and weaknesses in order to be an effective provider for others. 

Living for this moment. Living for right now. 

What does that mean in eating disorder recovery?

It means taking each moment step by step, applauding every positive change and victory, no matter how slight, enjoying the present choice without thinking about how it influences your next, appreciating internal sensory cues, honoring your body, mind, and soul, reconnecting your calmness by breath, practicing gratitude as often as possible, and treating yourself with the kindness you likely forgot you deserve. 

2013 will be a blessed year.

Snippets from 2012… what a year we have shared

Dear Bee,

What a year we have shared! So many ups and downs. I normally dislike the New Year Resolution, “fresh start” hype, but I must admit, there is something to be said about the novelty of the ever-promising January First.

Let’s look at some memorable snippets over the year.

March 1, 2012: First Attempt at Journaling 

I have disordered eating. I think about food constantly, always afraid of binging, always afraid of the hunger pains that may occur when I go without food, always planning my next meals or next time to exercise, always feeling an obsessive need to count calories or protein or sodium or whatever.

March 8, 2012

I overate. I hate using the word binge, because then I would be breaking my promise made only a week ago. But I did consume about 1000 calories in less than an hour.

March 14, 2012

I binged. Six days after my last one.

March 24, 2012: Despair

Defeated.
I ate more yesterday than I have in MONTHS.
To hold myself accountable: the whole frozen pizza, 2 Klondike Bars, homemade fudge, 20 Chips Ahoy Cookies, Apple donut, 2 waffles with butter, 2 cups of ice cream…all throughout the day.

March 25, 2012: Despair Round Two

Can’t stop binge-eating.
Probably have eaten 10,000+ calories in 3 days.
Feeling ashamed and hopeless.

April 8, 2012: Trying intuitive eating

Overall, I’ve been doing well. I did not track calories this week, and i didn’t binge at all! Just overrate a little today at Easter, but nothing out-of-control…I’m realizing that I just allow myself to get anxious enough toe experience hunger when I “want” or “think” I should be hungry.

April 12, 2012

I know how to take care of myself. I know how to be healthy. But, for some reason, I am unable to treat myself with the love and respect my body deserves. This will be one difficult journey, but, this time, I am determined to see the finish line.

April 16, 2012: First time I sought help (through college counseling program)

I’ve decided to get help for my eating disorder, and I will be meeting with a therapist for the first time next week. I’m nervous, but I’m also ready and willing to get better. I came clean to ___ and ___, which was very liberating. Fortunately, they are both very supportive and understanding. In talking to ____, I realized that I don’t take care of my true needs enough–in fact, I usually settle, be it food, clothes, items, etc. for something I don’t actually want. It’s like I don’t think I deserve it. What an epiphany!

So, I’ve been trying to eat intuitively by listening to my body, paying attention to my cravings, and actually satisfying them. If I want a treat, I am ONLY giving myself exactly that treat, not a substitution. Amazing how freeing this feels–the other day, my tummy was growling, and I spent fifteen minutes confused about what I wanted to eat. I haven’t had any desire to binge. I’m consuming slightly more food than I was, but I’m not stressing over balancing or carbs. I’m just eating. 

April 25, 2012: “Sorry, we don’t work with eating disorders”

Still struggling. The counseling program at school can’t help me, so I made an appointment with _____. Oh well. 

July 12, 2012: My first therapist (didn’t like him much at all)

We talked about the ebb and flow of progress, the dirty, complex path to recovery. It’s scary knowing that I may slip up, and in fact, even more terrifying to be able to embrace it. Quitting an addiction cold turkey, while we all have heard the stories, is rare and actually very difficult. This is especially true when the problem has been deep-rooted in one’s life for many years, as mine has.

He commends me on writing how I feel, and I agree that it has been helping me very much. It’s a way to unwind and reflect on my behavior, patterns, and thoughts without being overly critical. He mentioned that is important to learn to not take everything so seriously and almost be able to laugh at the things I fear and hate the most (I.E: when I binge).

July 16, 2012

Oh, binge eating disorder, how you NEVER fail to surprise me.
How did I go from feeling so on top of it to knee deep in Oreos?

August 15, 2012

Damn- I had a really bad binge today, and I felt horrible afterwards! 

August 16, 2012

I had another mini-binge today, but I didn’t let it derail me-which I guess is good. Still bumming pretty hard about it. I never thought I’d be suffering from an eating disorder. 

September 7, 2012

I binged…not proud of it at all. I tried so hard not to. Then, it became a free-for-all-day. Why must I torment myself this way? 

September 8, 2012

You know, despite the horrible tummy ache I had at work all morning, I binged again when I got home. I was so full. But, this time, I spent an hour planning out a month free of binges, and I’m vowing to stick to it…I’m committed. I can’t let myself down again. 

September 14, 2012: First session with second therapist (the one I still work with)

The new therapist was interesting–a much different vibe than the super-nurturing, “it’s all going to be okay” mantra I expected. Nope. She’s straight-up and tough.

September 23, 2012

I binged today. I’m not happy about it, but I am owning up to it. For some reason, I just wanted to eat, eat, eat. Okay, I know the reasons–compensation/reward for not bingeing in 15 days, being home all day without prepared meals or designated times to eat and general anxiety about the upcoming week. It wasn’t my worst binge, not even in the top ten, and for several hours, I did delay it by looking/reading eating disorder blogs. Stopping that behavior, before it even begins, however, is the key to my success. So, one roadblock, one obstacle…not about to be defeated now! 

October 5, 2012: Rock Bottom

I’m coming down from a binge, and I feel sick to my stomach. I’m experiencing all my usual feelings (the self-blame, anger, sadness, guilt, and strong feelings of weakness), but more than anything else, I feel scared…I’m just so afraid that I’m not going to bet better…I feel so vulnerable…I know why binged today..I was aware of how I was feeling, but I wasn’t able to handle these problems constructively. And so, I did what always numbs the pain. I ate. And ate and ate…I feel wrecked and exhausted, like I’ve tried so many different recovery options…I hate the preoccupation; it’s toxic, it’s driving me insane, and I’m really afraid of isolating myself because of it…I’m tired of the disillusions of “this is the last time” and “tomorrow will be better,” because part of me wants to believe that is true, but I also know it’s probably completely unrealistic…I just want to stop feeling like I have two voices and personalities: the normal me and the me dealing with an eating disorder…I’m tired of feeling like I’m out of control, when this is something I have full control over. 

October 22, 2012: Slowly getting easier?

I haven’t binged in 17 days, a huge feat for me, and I’m super proud of myself for getting to where I am at right now. It takes so much work to recover–there’s the need for me to learn to love myself unconditionally and heal all the same I’ve held within me. 

October 25, 2012: Texts to my therapist

I think I’m finally ready to expose myself and get the help and support I need from therapy. It kinda terrifies me to do that, but I want to overcome this, and I’m very grateful for your patience and understanding.

November 28, 2012: Asking my therapist for help when I needed it (last binge)

Hey, so I kinda overrate a little bit ago. Nothing real major but now I’m having some anxiety and the disordered thoughts 😦 Trying to deep breathe, anything else? Is now a good time to call? 

Reflecting over our relationship makes me feel a variety of emotions, from sad to humiliated to empowered and optimistic. Aside from our relationship, 2012 was an incredible year, and I have so much to be grateful for! 

My achievements over the past year

1. Admitting I have a problem to SOMEONE ELSE other than myself. This has single-handedly been the most influential change agent in my recovery process. I spent years thinking I could fix myself and falsely believing that opening up indicated poor willpower and utter weakness. Nope. Admitting weakness is a sign of strength, and I know now that I could not do this without the support and guidance from others. 

2. Learning and ACTUALLY USING effective coping strategies to deal with anxiety or other aversive, triggering emotions, such as journaling, yoga, reaching out to people, deep breathing, removing myself from the situation, etc.

3. Giving up my obsession with the scale. I have no idea how much I weigh. I have not checked in two months. My clothes fit and I am learning to accept and embrace my body for everything it does for me!

4. Discontinuing calorie-counting and any other type of calculation. While I know this keeps some people on track, it made me preoccupied and obsessive. 

5. Attending Overeaters Anonymous meetings. I was absolutely resistant to this kind of support, and I have still not taken a stance whether I agree with the philosophy, but I enjoy the meetings, conversations, and like-minded atmosphere. This Twelve Steps program validates that I am not alone in my behaviors or thoughts. 

6. Abstaining from bingeing. Today marks 33 days. This is the longest I have gone without using restrictive behaviors. I am incredibly proud of myself.

7. Writing about my recovery as often as I can. I am choosing to channel my emotions in a constructive format, rather than a destructive one, which has been absolutely beneficial.

8. Making my recovery the first priority in my life. I have always been “too busy.” Today, I am busier than EVER BEFORE. And you know what? I am putting this first. I am prioritizing myself, rather than my friendships and relationships. I know that I need to love and respect myself before I can give and receive it from others. Sometimes, recovery feels time-consuming and difficult. Sometimes, I get angry with driving to meetings or reading literature or speaking in therapy or calming myself down when I feel anxious or depressed or preoccupied with my distorted thoughts. But nobody promised it was going to be easy. I did not develop an eating disorder overnight; I will not unravel it overnight. The journey of a thousand baby steps once seemed daunting and overwhelming, but now, I’m just learning to enjoy the scenery and novelty along the way.  

Goals for the next year

1. Find a sponsor. As mentioned, I do not know just how I feel about the Twelve Steps format, but I know success often depends on strength in numbers. The more cheerleaders, the better. 

2. Continue my sobriety from bingeing. One day at a time. 

3. Write, vent, complain, brag, or even just ramble about this journey as often as I can. This is healing for me, and for anyone who may be reading, I hope that my experiences can help you as well.

I am in a completely different place than I was last year at this time. I do not know what “true recovery” will look or even feel like, but that does not concern me right now. The present moment has never felt so wonderful. 

Recovery IS worth it.