I woke up to find out that my car, which had been parked in front of my house, was hit on the front bumper. Last year, my previous car (which had been parked in the exact same spot), was completely totaled when someone crashed into it. Luckily, nobody was hurt and my neighbor caught the license plate number of the driver who scratched me. Three accidents in three years, none of which were my fault. It’s no wonder I have a difficulty trusting drivers. My car will be in the shop for a few days. Could be worse. Significantly worse.
Sessions were tough today. It was the first time I really questioned my competency in this field. One of my clients is becoming far too dependent on me, and I need to figure out exactly how I’m supposed to navigate his lack of support system. I remember when I felt like my therapist was also the first person who came to mind when something happened. When I would count down the days, even the hours, until I got to sit on her inviting couch. I understand where he is coming from. Entirely. He’s never received the kind of unconditional positive regard that I can provide him. He’s never had someone believe in him, and I absolutely do. But, fostering his dependency would be unethical and possibly detrimental to his own growth.
And my couple…well, they just come packed with issues, and it’s overwhelming to know even where to begin with them talking over each other, speaking with total disrespect, acting as if there is no love left. It’s hard to spin the magic in just fifty minute hours, especially when habits have been formed over the span of several years.
I love what I do, but I can sense my perfectionism coming into play here! I just have to remind myself that my clients own their lives, just as I own mine!!
And the good news is, I am automatically taking care of myself. I came home after leaving the agency and watched American Horror Story (yes, LOVE) and relaxed. Then, I called my boyfriend and spoke to him. Now, I’m in bed. Before, I would have probably gone straight to the food, knee-deep in chocolate, doing anything I could to numb out the pain and discount the stress.
I know that my feelings are real, but some of my thoughts need to be challenged. I am NOT incompetent and I AM doing my best. That’s all I would ask of my clients, and so, that’s all I can ask of myself.