The Apartment Hunt Continues: Pros and Cons List.

Apartment Advantages & Disadvantages 

Pros

1. On the beach.

2. On the beach.

3. On the beach.

4. Affordable rent.

5. Roommate seems relatively chill (yoga instructor and esthetician). She is also older than me and seems financially responsible.

6. Month-to-month lease

7. Move-in date works perfectly with my schedule

8. Fully furnished. Won’t have to Craigslist a bunch of furniture and appliances

9. In one of the nicest parts of town 

Cons

1. No overnight guests. Um. This is problematic. I’m not some 18-year-old-college-freshman-who-can’t-handle-her-one-night-stands nor do I have a moocher boyfriend who intends to crash on my couch. What’s the point of having my own place if I can’t have people over?

2. One bathroom. I’m as low-maintenance as it gets, but…?

3. Fully furnished. Won’t feel like home. May just feel like a guest in someone’s residence. Can’t bring my bed or any of that. 

4. No parking. In a metropolitan city. 

5. Age difference- Roommate is at least 10-15 years older than me (I didn’t want to ask). 

If I’ve learned anything in this process called recovery, it’s that my intuition is right. And as much as I’m trying to convince myself that this is the right home, something feels off. I know these concerns are valid. I know my needs are not too demanding. It’s just like dating- don’t settle for less than what you can deserve (or in this case, afford). 

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Eliminate the negative energy.

Dear Bee,

All this year, I’ve been on this absolute journey towards health, sanity, and joy. That has involved eliminating negative people, places, and things and adding positive people, places, and things. Easy in theory, difficult in practice.

I’m having a dilemma with the girl who is potentially supposed to be my roommate. I think she has depression, and it’s getting worse. She is currently in my program at school, but she is ambivalent about our coursework and has spoken at length about dropping out. She complains often, yet she rarely takes action to change her mental state. Even though she has proven to be financially responsible and loyal as a friend, I’m not sure if I can depend on her. She doesn’t seem stable at this point in her life.

I want to say I’m at a crossroads, but I’m not. My intuition is telling me that I need to take care of my own needs and that I need to surround myself with the most positive energy possible. She is a sweetheart and a good friend of mine, but she does not provide that energy. And so, I realize that moving in with her will not be the best thing for my well-being.

The things I do for recovery.

But, I’m so proud of myself for putting my own needs first. I told that to my therapist today. Growth is all about taking risks. You can process and you can talk and you can analyze all you want, but until you take risks, you are not making changes, and you are not making real progress. You cannot transform if you want everything to remain exactly as it is. I am in no way looking to be stagnant. I am NO LONGER comfortable with the certainty of misery over the misery of uncertainty. And so, I told her that I didn’t think it’d be a good idea for us to live together.

I’ll have to find a new roommate. I’ll have to figure out that part of my life. I’ll have to figure out when and where I’m going to move. But I don’t have to worry about it now, because right now, I am proud of myself for taking a risk and being proactive towards my happiness and recovery. I am proud of myself for honoring my intuition and listening to the gut instinct I so frequently ignored. I am proud of myself for choosing assertiveness over passiveness, safety over danger, and my own needs over someone else’s.

moving on and moving out

Dear Bee,

So, I’m like 99% sure I found my new apartment. YES. Everyone keep their fingers crossed!!! I’m ready to call this charming place my home!

And, on that note, apartment hunting and applying is SUCH A TEDIOUS, EXHAUSTIVE PROCESS. All I’ve done recently is APPLY for things (graduate programs, jobs, internship sites, apartments). In other words, I can do an interview in my sleep. Concerning this search, it does not help that I live in an overly-expensive city with little to NO affordable housing (that’s not in the ghetto) and make little to NO income since quitting my primary job. But, I’m going to be by the beach, and I’d sleep in the gutter for that. And my roommate is fabulous, so we’re going to have a ROCKING good time together until we slit each other’s throats. 

I’m really grateful for my roommate. We are in the same graduate program, and she quickly became one of my good friends. In fact, she was one of the first people I told about my eating disorder recovery, and she was the only person, besides my therapist and sponsor, that I felt comfortable confiding with last week during that rough, dark time. Living with her will be good. We are both responsible and mature. Besides, I can’t imagine actively working recovery while keeping my eating disorder a secret from someone living with me. Even though she’s not necessarily the confrontational type (aka she probably wouldn’t interrupt me during a binge), I would feel comfortable TELLING her what I was doing if I needed intervention and support.

I’m currently living at home with my family to save money, but the time has come to roam my wild spirit free. I love my parents, but the best kind of love entails honoring and maintaining boundaries. We’re just too enmeshed, and my home life has become a tremendous source of tension and hostility. It saddens me that I find my own home so triggering. I feel absolutely guilty even writing that, because I was raised under the premise that you can never badmouth your family, but it’s not my family I’m badmouthing. It’s simply the dynamic of us all living together. It’s just too emotionally toxic right now. Although we are close and I feel comfortable confiding in them, we struggle with effective communication. I feel that my parents are threatened by my rapid changes, since I’ve been evolving into an entirely new person since starting this recovery process. We get along well, and I am extremely fortunate to have my family, but living under the same roof is no longer cutting it.

So, it’s time to move on and out! 

I feel like I had more to write, but there’s not much else to say right now. So if you love all the anonymity that is me, please knock on wood, cross your fingers, or pray whatever prayer you like for me to get this apartment!