Dear Bee,
I was just in Urgent Care for the first time in my life. Deliberating bladder pain. I was screaming, crying, and literally immovable for about two hours. I have a severe urinary tract infection. The pain runs on a spectrum, and although I tend to err on the side of modesty, I imagine mine embodied an outlier of torture. I probably got it from traveling in Europe. I wasn’t able to drink as much water as I normally do and bathrooms weren’t as accessible as they are out here.
So, I was lying in the hospital bed, as they kept giving me water bottles and trying to get me to pee in a catheter (which is incredibly awkward if you’ve never had one), and I’m just sobbing from the pain and slipping into slight hypochondria (could this be appendicitis, kidney stones, cancer?!?)
Today was my first day of school. I was in my practicum class and the content overwhelmed me. I have mounds of paperwork. I have clients soon. This morning, before class, I went out to breakfast with my mom. We went to the same restaurant, where about a year and a half ago, I sat across from her and admitted that I thought I had an eating disorder. Today, we talked about how much I’ve grown since that emotional morning. I am proud of myself. I am proud of who I was, who I am, and who I will be. I never discredit myself for all the work I’ve done in this journey.
This pain was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. I’m not naturally a crier. I don’t readily accept help, but today, I did just that. I let people take care of me. I was miserable, yes, but grateful. Grateful, why? Grateful because this could have been much worse. Easily so. It could have been anything. Urinary tract infections are usually characterized by a burning sensation during peeing. My entire body felt paralyzed.
When the doctor came in and said she had my lab results ready, my entire body shook. For a moment, I had no idea what the test answers would reveal. And that petrified me. I’m also grateful because the past few hours reminded me of the importance of being grateful.
Most of what we stress about never actually materializes, and when it does, we can choose how to handle it. Here’s what matters to me: love and happiness. That’s it. I no longer feel nervous about school or the fact that I’m seeing clients in just a few days or all the laundry and cleaning I still have to do or the upcoming homework that will surely be piling on or my toenails that desperately need to be painted.
During this experience, I didn’t think about my eating disorder once. I didn’t care to. It didn’t cross my mind. I will never undermine the significance of the mental suffering I experienced through working recovery, but I also realize that I am extremely fortunate to be in such good health. And I want to do my best to maintain it. That means continuing with taking care of myself in the best ways I know how.
Dear Bee 